My Neighbors Always Look At Us Funny

When Vulcan (put the hammer down and wave dear) and I bought our new home last year, the neighborhood curtains were twitching for days as we carried our various life accouterments into the home. It might have been the swords, could have been the light sabers Vulcan makes in his spare time, or perhaps it was simply the epic level stacks of books being lugged up our stairs. We tried our best to be good neighbors, keeping the more.... esoteric items boxed and covered as they were carried into the home. The thought of having the neighborhood kids asking mommy and daddy suburbanite why we were building cages... or what did we need all those blowtorches for had me shuddering in my shoes. After a few weeks the curtain switches calmed down (helped by a plate of cookies and a lighthearted “If you see boys in the back having a sword fight... please don't call the cops. They are just practicing for an event!) and the older boys on the street even began to call us the “Cool” folks, noticing the toys both Vulcan and I wandered about with. I have found, on the average, teenage boys are easy to impress. One afternoon spent weeding with a large bowie knife stuck in my back sheath (Hey! Those weeds are tough little bastards. Easier to use a large knife then a hoe.) had me labeled as both mysterious and dangerous... while ample sweets and talks with their mothers had me confirmed as a “Nice” girl who stayed home and kept house.

Win win. At least for a while.

However, after a month or so, I began to notice the neighbor who shares a driveway with us began to act a tad bit funny around Vulcan and I. Nothing too overt, just this vague confused face when he saw me, and a tendency to pull back when he saw us. The kids also began to play more in the backyard and on the other side of the house then they did on the side facing us where there basketball hoop hung.

After about a month, I finally decided to confront him and see what, if anything, was wrong. Had they seen something that offended them? Was there something he was concerned about? I waited until a warm sunny Saturday and approached him.

Much hemming and hawing, and then he broke.

“I, well. It's just....”

“Yes?” I asked.

Gathering himself up he machined gunned the words so fast it took me a moment to understand what he was saying. “Afewweeksagoyouhadyourwindowsopenandsaidsomethingso loudlyIcouldn'thelpoverhearingandIwasn'ttryingtoeasedropbutitcaughtmyattentionand
itsallyourbusinessbut.......”

Now I was REALLY confused. I couldn't remember any loud, ahem, moments between Vulcan and I, at least not anything out of the ordinary. I pray pretty quietly, so even if he was the type to get offended over the odd oath to a god he might not recognize, he couldn't have heard that... so what?

“I'm sorry. What did you hear?” I asked.

Turning bright red he finally blurted out, “It's not the lesbianism that I mind... but the incest is a bit much!”

Utter blankness... followed by a dawning understanding coupled with a snort and a giggle I could not contain if Odin himself ordered it.

I motioned to my blushing neighbor and had him follow me up my porch steps to the glass paneled side door. Pointing to the living room beyond the doorway, I asked “Did it come from here?”

Mumbling and looking nervous he nodded.

I pointed again to the center of the room where 2 of Vulcan and I's four felines were snoozing in a stray sunbeam.

“Three of our cats are sisters.... I think you overheard me groaning over one of their...overly affectionate grooming sessions.” As the words came out of my mouth, both cats awoke, stretched, and began to lick each other vigorously.

“You mean,” he began to stutter, “it was CATS I heard you yelling at?”

“Yup. What did you THINK we did over here?” I asked.

“I, you, I mean....” he began to slowly knock his head against the door frame. Stopping, he turned a sheepish face towards me and said, “I think I might have misinterpreted a few things.”

As he turned and began to walk away, he stopped for a moment and looked back. “Was that a WHIP I saw hanging on the wall?”

With a grin I waved and walked back into the house, closing the door behind me.

Even when completely innocent, my neighbors look at us oddly.