And.... We're Back

Its odd where your brain will wander to when you can't get to sleep. As a incessant insomniac I have a lot of time of my hands, usually spent staring at the ceiling and wondering how long I have to lay there until I can justify being up to my sweetie. As Morpheus once again firmly denied me entrance to sleepyville, I found my mind moseying down a path of thought I've tiptoed onto before... but never firmly set about exploring. I think it might be time to change that.

What started it all is the utterance of a common phrase in my childhood home, a blanket explanation of all the ills and hurts in the world - “because of the Fall.” Alluding, I assume, to the Christian belief that life became a valley of tears and struggles to find the perfect penance for our great-great-grandparent's faux pas of chomping down on the wrong piece of fruit. The assumption being life was destined to be a perfect balance with total bliss and joy – then we went and screwed up the Master's plan something fierce and everything we do now is our attempt to get back to that perfect union.

Forgive me if this sounds a bit rambly, it was 4 o'clock in the morning when I started this train, the ride is bound to be bumpy. But, my weary mind reasoned thusly -

Taking everything pounded into me in bible school God is perfect and all-knowing. He also never makes mistakes. So... he had to know when he handed out the opposable thumbs to Adam and Eve, they were going to go a'wandering round the garden. He put the tree of knowledge there, he knew they would find it. He knew it would give them understanding beyond what they had already. And... he had to know they would eat from it. (All-knowing, remember?) So, either God is a miserable prick who gets his jollies at the eventual and inescapable damnation of his creation (which kinda goes against the whole “loving father” deity that is also taught in the self-same bible classes) OR....

He put in the tree, tossed on the thumbs, made sure Eve went snake hunting, and made the sure to get the fruit nice and ripe to ensure she'd share with her honey. Therefore.... isn't THIS, where we are now... at this very moment – what his plan was meant to be all along? How do we grow without struggle? How do we value the joy without living the pain? Its the salt in the cookies metaphor, you have to give the sugar something to work against or it all just tastes... flat.
I WANT struggle, I want to strain, I want to grow, to learn, to never go stagnate. While I can enjoy moments of peace by the riverside... in time I want to look up and see a new horizon to climb to.

Sheesh. I'm gone from this site for several months and I start arguing biblical theology with myself. I really DO need a nap.

I'm still just faltering along a few steps to finding my path, but is it wrong to find the stumbles part of the adventure? Perhaps that why I never felt at home in christianity... peace is fine in the moments, but perfect peace sounds far too much like death to this Valkyrie. Why preach or live a stagnant religion.

Okay. Anybody out there have any suggestions? Have I left my logic circuits in my other pants? How far along the path will these thought lead? And why do I feel like someone is smiling as they watch me take each new step?

I need a drink.

Possibly several.